Being seventeen isn't so sweet at all.

It's only the month of May and the amount of mishaps that had happen for the past few months, it's uncountable. I gained a few friends, lost a few important ones. Why can't things stay the same at least until the end of the year? Why can't things just work like they used to? Everybody just has to make it complicated - and apparently, it's called growing up.....into a big asshole. 

God, I didn't know you'd be that important to me the first time I met you. I was forced to spend my days with you. It was funny though because I thought you were immature but I grew to like your presence if you had this tendency to annoy me all the time. You'd do all sort of things to me and I didn't mind. There wasn't even a territory line between my seat and yours anymore because you'd always enter mine. It was funny that I didn't even care that you hurt me, physically - even though it was an accident, I know. But you literally made me bleed. Yet, I don't find that a terrible thing and I thought it was hilarious. 

You used to tell me everything, I used to tell you everything as well. For the past few years, you were one of the first I'd look for when I get upset. It's the opposite now because seeing you upsets me. The worse part is, I see you everyday. 

I watched you grew up. I watched you falling for one girl and another. Honestly, I thought you were a lousy boyfriend to each of them. But I didn't mind at that time, I just watched you being happy and that was the only thing that mattered. It was funny because the girls you were with, they're different from each other. The girls you with were never horrible, but you were horrible to them. You and your mixed up feelings.

You ruined us. Sometimes, I think all that stuff you said to me was a lie. Thanks for all the years you decide to take part in my life, ruined it and just walk away like nothing ever happened. You have the worst ego. How you wished for my birthday was plain awful and it hurt me. People are fooled by all the pictures that we're in, thinking that we're okay when you don't even acknowledge my existence anymore.

 If it was my fault, then I'm sorry. I'm sorry things got awkward, I was avoiding this topic and we grew apart. 

I miss you but you don't seem to care, so I try not to.

I am not usual this sentimental but AAAH who. the. fuck. cares!! Oh god the amount of tears in school yesterday (not only me fyi) and the amount of sad songs played throughout the whole ceremony. What a great woman she was to us even for just a short while. Never have I felt so sad in school for the past five years. I'm going to miss her so much that I can't believe she's not around anymore. HER JOKES, ugh HER JOKES! No more of her jokes from now on. WHY GOVERNMENT DID YOU TAKE OUR MOTHER FROM US.

I'm in despair.. probably the whole school.

I finally turned sevent17n!

Great music, great company..
amayzen slowheadbangin sesh

The age gap...... is just plain stupid. Lol.
But this is just plain amayzers.

Growing up, I was one weird child. I'm not a self-proclaimed social recluse, in fact I am not one. I was just a little peculiar as a kid. I had a weird interest back then - as my sister told me, I still have now. Nothing has changed much really except for my choice of clothes and the way I think things. I was like a martian child, it was like as if I had aspergers because I had this habit of saying things that should only be in my mind because I once thought a boy was cute when I was three and asked him if he wanted to marry me. I also liked to read horror books like Edgar Ellan Poe's Dracula, Dead Girls Don't Write Letters by Gail Giles and those Fighting Fantasy gamebooks written by Ian Livingstone and Steve Jackson which I suck at. 

In school, I didn't have much friends especially guy friends. My best friends are still the ones I have now. I'm not good with boys, never have been and will be. Some of the boys thought I was weird, maybe it was because I had super short hair. I wasn't into sports or whatever, I wasn't the teacher's pet or whatever. I won the spelling bee during second grade but no one seemed to care because these things were the things only lifeless losers would get themselves into. When I was in elementary school, I actually had a library card and actually borrowed books.. I spent quite a lot of time in the library actually even though the place wasn't all fancy. I used to run and stuff but my asthma got in the way of everything and I had to constantly use the inhaler - geek point =1. 

I would always for random shit when it comes to birthday gifts from both of my parents. I was into those magic kits at the age of seven to nine. I remember having my own wand and my own standard 52-card deck. It's funny how when I was bring those cards to school, my narrow-minded classmates would go on about me gambling in the class. What the actual fuck? I was also into Sea Monkeys which only grew until the size of a dandruff. Yet, I still found the Sea Monkeys fascinating. The best birthday present a nine-year-old me could get was a journal with a voice-command lock. Another birthday gift I remembered was my first radio which only had a cassette tape player - and boy, I was crying after I finished unpacking the wrap.. My mother also bought me those spy kits which included an eavesdropping machine and a book called The Usborne Spy's Guidebook. 

While writing this, I've been stalking all those people I used to be friends with and who actually talked to me even when I was a complete oddball - still am, a bit. It's funny how these people I used to like because they didn't care of how strange I was has changed so much. We barely acknowledge each other's existence. We barely even care to say hi. 

Looking back at my childhood (which wasn't that long ago), I was a loser

- still am, a little.

My birthday is in three weeks time so it's that time of the year again.

1. Working telescope
2. Hello Kitty Instax Wide
3. Typewriter
4. Harinezumi camera
5. Copy of Lana Del Rey's Born To Die;
6. Cults
7. Cosmos Close-Up;
8. 50 Ideas You Really Need To Know: Universe
9. The Book of Universes
10. Dolphin-shaped cake with sparklers
11. A celestial globe

Nothing much this year.

 HI MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A few more days until the month of March, the month I love the most. The month I actually feel important and special when I know that I'm not but it doesn't matter. It's the month when money's not an issue, school's not an issue, when I should give no fucks to this lame-ass community I live in. I have a paper tomorrow but I don't have a clue on what to study or what to prepare for. I barely know what's coming out. I  j u s t  n e e d  t o  b r e a t h e  n o r m a l l y  a n d  k e e p  c a l m  a n d  a n s w e r  t h e  f u c k i n g  p a p e r  i  g u e s s.

Ok ok I should stop killing my mood. March's going to be much better than the whole year sum altogether, I promise myself that. I've already got tickets to a show not many are going, my birthday's THANKFULLY is not on a Monday this year and my dad finally said yes to registering for my driver's license.... Can I be a sad fish and express my sadness on "wow i can't believe i'm finishing school in about less than 8 months time" because I remember writing in this on-screen journal of mine before I even stepped into high school.

shit just got real, and im a tadddabit happy

Oh nothing, just a random painting of the Beatles (sorry i made it look a tad bit retarded) I did in the evening for my dad.. Okay why are all the good things happening to me now and why don't I feel no stress!? Why am I starting to get Chemistry and why are things going as they are planned? This won't last so long and I'm scared.

I'm so pumped for the weekends. It's Kakak's engagement day and then off for a little getaway to get my mind off stuff - not that I really have any stuff to think about but great. I am now happy :)

That stupid feeling you get when you see a gorgeous girl and you feel like a lettuce or a tomato or a cabbage or a celery or a carrot or a tunip or a cauliflower or a brocolli or a mushroom or a potato or a radish or an onion or a corncob or everything, all at once like a salad..

INSECURITIES BE GONE